Annie is Missing

One of our cats is missing.

She's not anywhere to be found in the house, and a perimeter search outside didn't yield any results, either. She's never been one of those cats that particularly liked to go outside, and the few times she's been outside (usually brought there by one of us humans) she hasn't ventured very far past the door.

Anyway, I'm sure she'll turn up, but I'm still pretty worried about it. She's small, and she's sickly, and my brain being a worst-case-scenario domain, I worry that something might have happened and she's dead somewhere that we can't see her or find her.

Still, I'm sure she's okay. More likely she's just somewhere and fell asleep. She doesn't hear that well, so it's possible she didn't hear us calling her.

I'm still worried about it though. And blogging sometimes helps with worry (it's cheaper than therapy, don't you know), so I thought I'd try it.

It didn't help very much.

UPDATE: Well, apparently, all I had to do was sit down and write about it. No sooner had I posted this and she came out of the woodwork. And it's normally so unlike me to get all worried over nothing.

(Pardon me, I have to go now so I can dodge the lightening bolts from above.)

Tired

I have not been sleeping very well lately.

It's odd, because I normally do this when I'm stressed or worried about something. But I haven't been feeling particularly stressed or worried about anything specific lately.

Perhaps there is some latent, subconscious stress somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain, and I haven't quite yet realized what it is yet. Or maybe it's just general anxiety about stuff going on.

Or maybe it's just plain, old inexplicable insomnia.

In other news, I think I've started, once again, to write a book I've tried to write many times and always failed. The loss of all the terrible writings of my youth (and yes, this story idea has actually been kicking around for that long, though it's changed a lot since it's early, carefree, and hackneyed days) has sort of renewed my interest in it, somehow, and, more importantly, in writing.

It's gone through many forms and many phases. It started initially as a novel, of which I completed the first of three sections. Again, I wrote it in high school and it was truly dreadful.

Very little of what was there has been retained. The characters and their relationships to one another are mostly the same, but other than that, it's almost completely different. But I don't think if I'd gone through that initial part that it would still be with me in the form it is today, if that makes sense.

After that, I conceived it as both a play and a screenplay, deciding that prose was not for me. In fact, the evening before Katrina hit, I'd completed a draft of the first act of a play version of it. I'm still not sure prose is right for me, and I continue to think of it as a film, but I think that's just because I have a film background and a cinematic mind.

(That's total crap, of course, but it sounds good, doesn't it?)

This latest time, I started it out as a novel. I've done that a couple of times before too. One of these days, I'm hoping it'll actually stick.

What's the story? It doesn't matter. All that does matter is, in the past year or so, I've developed an understanding of one of the characters that I never had before. This will only make it better, I think.

I started this post before lunch, and as I was driving home for lunch I was thinking about it and I was put in mind a section of "The Waste Land," which ages ago, when I first read it, popped out at me as related to my story:

He, the young man carbuncular, arrives,
A small house agent's clerk, with one bold stare,
One of the low on whom assurance sits
As a silk hat on a Bradford millionaire.
The time is now propitious, as he guesses,
The meal is ended, she is bored and tired,
Endeavours to engage her in caresses
Which are still unreproved, if undesired.
Flushed and decided, he assaults at once;
Exploring hands encounter no defence;
His vanity requires no response,
And makes a welcome of indifference.

I think I'll let that speak for itself.

(By the way, this is a pretty cool hypertext version of "The Waste Land," good for hours of entertainment and enlightenment. Sorry, but in case you didn't know, I have a major thing for T.S. Eliot.)

I know, I know, I've been rambling. Once again, I've meandered far from the point of this post.

What exactly do you expect from someone who was up until 3:00 in the morning?

That's it. I was talking about not being able to sleep.

It's made me very tired.

The Emir and I

This guy was in my hometown yesterday.

The day started out like any other, with me running late for work. Only when I got to the street in front of the building where I work, it was blocked off with some police barricades. I thought this was odd, but mostly I was just aggravated by the inconvenience, as I had to make a big circle to get around it and park so I could walk into work. No one seemed to know why the street was blocked off.

We found out around lunch time. One of my co-workers came in and said that somebody from the government of Qatar was here, with the governor. I assumed she meant in the city where I live, not actually in the building. But then she said that there were all these secret service type guys in the lobby and then a big crowd came through of photographers and other suits.

Apparently, Qatar gave quite a bit of money to the hurricane relief efforts in Mississippi and Louisiana, especially to Habitat for Humanity. So that's why the Emir was here, touring around and seeing the progress of the recovery.

It was kept very hush-hush, for obvious reasons.

The must have eaten lunch in the restaurant on the top floor of the building. When I left for lunch myself, there were cars everywhere in the streets. There were also various suits, standing around looking important, or else talking into cell phones or their earpieces. It made me a little nervous, especially when I saw the guy with the bomb sniffing dog going through the trunks of several of the vehicles trying to get through. As I went to cross the street to get to where my car was, a man standing there asked me to cross on the other side, which of course, I promptly did.

On my way back to work after lunch, I nearly got run off the road by the motorcade as it headed off to the next location. The street I was on winds a lot, so I didn't see them until I was right on top of them, when I encountered a cop on a motorcycle, in my lane, waving for me to get off the road. So I pulled off and sat and watched as all the cars passed me.

So I guess my title is a little misleading. I didn't actually get to meet the Emir. But he did cause me to have a pretty interesting day.

A Remarkable Loss

I'm really depressed this morning.

Last night, I got it in mind to go through some of my old writings. I can't even recall at this moment what possessed me to do this. It's something I do every once in a while, for a bit of nostalgia.

That's really all it is because most, if not all, of those writings are pure crap. I used to write almost all the time in junior high and high school, but I tended to write about things I didn't have a clue about, so it also tends to kind of suck. Still, I enjoy pulling them out and looking at them. It's fun and entertaining, and I did put an awful lot of effort into these things, and there are some great moments which I could pull from and attempt to write something actually good.

Or maybe not anymore.

You see, I used to write everything by hand. I'd write while I was at school, in class. I'm a smart girl, but I nearly ended up with a C in Algebra II because I almost never paid attention to what was going on in class. Because I did most of my writing in class, and because this was before I had my own PC and had to use the parents' computer if I was going to type anything, almost all the writing I did was by hand. I kept all these little notebooks and binders full of looseleaf papers with all the things I'd written.

Only now, I can't find a good chunk of it, including the two (completely dreadful) full length plays that I wrote. Maybe they aren't even as dreadful as I remember, but I guess I'll never know because I can't find them.

I had pulled out some of my writing to read, which of course made me think of some of the other things I'd written, and when I went to look for them, I couldn't find them. Not anywhere. I tore my room apart looking for them, but they aren't there anywhere. I can't imagine where they could have gone. I certainly wouldn't have thrown them away. I mean, they're trash, but they're my trash, and I wanted to hold onto them forever.

It seems profoundly silly to be so upset about it. I'm not crying or tearing my hair out or anything. Really, it's almost too bad for that; it's a deeper feeling that even tears can express. Honestly, and it feels so stupid to say this, losing my writing may be one of the most upsetting things that's ever happened to me. Yes, it was all terrible and it wasn't going to earn me any accolades or money, but all those things I wrote, even if they didn't have anything to do with me and weren't personal in that they were about me, were very much a part of me, more so than any friend or boyfriend who has come and gone from my life. The pain is almost greater at this loss because those writings were not only a part of me but they came from me. Without me, they wouldn't exist, and now they don't exist, even though I'm still here. It's very strange because I mostly don't ever think about their existence at all, but now that their absence has been called to my attention, I'm beside myself with grief.

That's a word I don't use often, mostly because, no matter how sad I've been about various things that have happened in my life, I'm not sure I've ever felt it. I am truly blessed in this regard. But I believe it is what I feel now, even though I'm embarrassed to admit that the lose of some juvenile drivel that I wrote a million moons ago could be the thing to finally make me feel it. Not only is it silly, it's fairly narcissistic.

I haven't given up hope that they may turn up, even though I can't possibly imagine where they would be.

Something about McCain

Slate offers a repeat of a McCain anecdote that originally appeared in the New York Times Magazine in a profile by Michael Lewis. It's a pretty good story.

A Small Bright Spot

It's amazing how a little thing can happen in the midst of any otherwise crappy day that doesn't really make things better, but instead brings a smile to your face.

I'm not having a terrible day, truly; that much should be made clear at the outset. I actually got a good night's sleep last night, which has probably been my saving grace today. Otherwise, it probably would be a terrible day. I'm incredibly bogged down at work with no end in sight, and to top it all off I've got some friend drama to contend with, which is never pleasant as I loathe confrontation and would just as soon not bring up any problems and quietly seethe over them until it builds up and I can't take it any more and I explode over some seemingly insiginificant thing.

Yes, I realize this is not healthy behavior, but the thing is, I've tried to be the opposite, and talk about things that bother me with the person as they come up, and that didn't work out too well for me either. I guess it's like everything else in life, and it's all about striking a delicate balance between when to speak up and when to keep your big mouth shut.

Anyway, hopefully the friend thing will blow over. It really isn't that big of a deal, now that I think about it. But it's sort of put me in a foul mood today.

Until the email, that is.

Here at work they have this silly employee recognition program. You know, the kind of thing they'd make fun of on The Office. It involves rewarding employees who are recognized by other employees with fake money that can be used to buy company stuff. It's one of those cheesy team-building things, and I cannot imagine that too many employees avail themselves of this thing.

Anyway, last week I got an email from someone who I guess just looked in the employee directory to find someone in my area of business. My last name starts with a "B" so I was probably the first person she came across. She had a question relating to what we do, not from a client of the company I work for but from a friend of hers instead, who thought, since she worked here too - though in a completely different area - that she might be able to help or know someone who could. I read her email and was frankly kind of annoyed by it, but I forwarded it along to the proper person in our department and that person ended up helping her.

Well, as a result of my efforts, I am now the proud owner of one "buck." I took a look at the product website where the bucks can be redeemed, and apparently one buck isn't good for anything. But still, it was kind of nice to be recognized, even though I really didn't do much of anything. They even sent a copy of the email to the head of our little department, and she forwarded the one she got to me as well as my boss.

It's still kind of stupid and goofy, and doesn't change anything in the grand scheme of things, but it made me smile, and that can never be a bad thing. Plus, it made me stop and think about all the people who work here who have possibly helped me out with something in one way or another. It would never have occurred to me to recognize them in this way, other than to say thank-you. It's nice that there are people out there who are this thoughtful, and we could all stand to be a bit more like them.

Completely Random Thoughts Posted Just So I Can Type Something to Keep from Falling Asleep at Work

I haven't been sleeping very well. I may or may not have mentioned that before, but I haven't been. No idea, why, really. Just one of those things. I think it's like I have this very small window of opportunity every night in which to get into bed and fall asleep, and if I miss that exact moment, then I'm doomed to a night of tossing and turning.

Last night I missed it by a long shot.

I think having the test this week kind of screwed me up. I stayed up really late that one night studying - which was a total waste of time, by the way - and got so high on the drug that is math that I couldn't go to sleep even after I was done. You would think, though, that my body would be tired from having to get up early after staying up late and that I would have no problem crashing the next night. Then again, the next night I did get home late-ish and then went for a run, which also gave me renewed energy so I had trouble sleeping. As for last night, who knows? Maybe all this staying up late and getting up early has pushed that perfect sleep moment earlier into the evening and I'm just not ready to go to bed that early, so I end up missing my window.

At least tomorrow I can sleep in, and at least I have absolutely nothing scheduled for this weekend, other than family/Easter stuff. But no homework or anything, so that should be nice. Maybe I'll even do something fun, like go to a movie or something. I would look up the movies in New Orleans, but with gas prices what they are, I could probably afford to get there but not to get home.

Speaking of the test, I'm still aggravated at myself, as well as the teacher. There were a couple of formulas that were just plain wrong, and rather than making up an answer - which I knew was wrong - I should have just gone up there and told her about the mistake. I guess I was just waiting for someone else to say something, only no one did. I can't have been the only person who noticed, right? I would say maybe I was wrong, but I Googled the formulas so I know what they were supposed to be and that I was right. Anyway, I'm not really mad about it or anything. More frustrated in an amused kind of a way. I don't think it will have hurt me too badly, grade-wise.

I may have missed my sleep window last night because of Lost. I'm not sure I've ever blogged about the show before, but I love it. In fact, I'm kind of obsessed with it. I love to go online the day after an episode and read what everyone is saying, and what all little, interesting things people picked up on in the episodes. I guess this is probably cheating, as I almost never pick up on these things myself, but I can't help myself. I do try to avoid spoilers, though I'm not always successful with that, either.

Anyway, last night's episode was pretty good. I'm not sure what to make of it, and I'll have to wait a month or so for the new, post-strike episodes to air, which totally sucks. One of the better things about last night's episode was that one of the original characters returned. He wasn't on the show for all of last season and the beginning of this season. He came back last week, and then this week they fleshed out why he came back and what he's been up to. He's not my favorite character or anything, but I did forget what I truly good actor he is. He really brought it in last night's episode, so, in that way, it's good to have him back.

Today's a pretty boring day at work. Not much going on. That's why I'm still typing. In fact, I was so bored, I almost picked up a copy of USA Today to read. To me, USA Today is just the stupdiest paper ever. I mean, if you're going to read a newspaper and you want to look smart, you might as well pick up a "good" paper like the Times. And if you're not, then you might as well pick up a rag like the Post.

Or maybe I'm just a newspaper snob. Probably, I am, especially since I just referenced two NYC papers without bothering to mention any of the other respectable (or non-respectable) publications out there in this country, not to mention the world. This is an especially silly position for me to take because I rarely ever read the newspaper. Any newspaper.

(And don't get me started on my local paper. God what a joke, not to mention the useless slaughter of the countless innocent trees it takes to print the thing day after day. Okay, that last bit may be too much, considering that they do recycle and all of that, but still. It's a waste. Trust me.)

Anyway, there was a copy of USA Today sitting in the copy room, on top of the shred/recycle bin. I glanced at it briefly, and did a double take when I saw the following headline: "Is sin dead?"

I kid you not.

I scanned the lede and the article talked about the notion of sin and how it's absent from a lot of the teachings of various Christian churches and how that kind of puts a whole damper on...well, the whole point of Christianity in the first place, where God steps in to save a fallen world by sacrificing his son, who is also God.

I stopped reading when I got to the word "social sin," however. I didn't think I could take that. I didn't have nearly enough sleep last night.

Here's the article, if you're interested. It took me a while to find, because they didn't have the "Is sin dead?" headline attached to it, instead they relegated it to the lede. This in no way reflects an endorsement by this blog of USA Today. I still think it is the worst paper ever that aspires to be legitimately good. I can't even recommend you read the article because I didn't actually read the whole thing. Some of what I read was interesting, but some of it was total crap.

Speaking of crap, my run was really crappy yesterday. I think I took too much time off from running and now I think I'm going to have to start all over again. Maybe that will be a good thing, though.

On the forum I read for running, I did a bracket for the NCAA March Madness. You will be unsurprised to learn that my bracket is currently in last place after yesterday's games. I'm sure today it's bound to get even worse. I put in a little effort making my picks, but certain prejudices against certain schools got in the way, and I think that may have hurt me. Oh well. At least there's no money involved.

If you're still reading at this point, send me your address so I can send you a prize or something. Now I'm writing not to keep myself awake, but to keep myself from thinking about how hungry I am. I can smell food coming from somewhere, which doesn't help. At least I'll be going to lunch soon.

Have a good weekend, everyone. Happy Easter to you all.

Election Day

I voted today.

I even got an "I Voted" sticker. Of course, even though I have a sticker, I don't have a camera, so you'll have to take my word for it. I'll try and snap a picture of it later and post it as proof.

It was my first time voting in my home state, and I felt like kind of an idiot, actually. I'd never voted on a ballot like this one before, so I needed a fair amount of direction. I can see honestly how people could get confused or not vote properly, and this ballot wasn't even confusing. Also, I was kind of surprised by the lack of privacy in the polling place. They had these little booths set up with short walls and no curtains or anything. The place was empty, but if there had been other people there voting, any of them could have looked over and seen who I was voting for.

It was also vaguely interesting to me that all of the Republican poll volunteers were old white people, and all of the Democratic volunteers were slightly younger black people. And almost all of them, with the exception of the guy that helped me with my ballot, were women.

I don't mind admitting that I voted in the Democratic primary. I definitely prefer one of the two remaining Democrats to the other one and since the Republican nomination was all sewn up by McCain already, I figured I'd branch out a bit. I thought about voting strategically (i.e. who would be the easiest person for McCain to beat in November), but that's really not the point of primaries, and I'd rather look forward to a campaign of ideas and civility rather than one of vitriol and attacks. I'm not naive enough to think that even with the best of candidates things such as negativity can be avoided, but I feel one of the two remaining candidates provides a better hope of rising above than the other.

So I voted for Obama today, and I'm pretty damn proud of it.

Tired

The title of my post really says it all. I'm very tired this morning.

As bad as yesterday was, it got that much worse when I got to my Chemistry class. You see, I had tests in both of my classes this week. I really thought I was going to do much better on the first round of tests in my Stats class, but the opposite turned out to be true. This time around, I actually studied pretty well for both tests, but I was more nervous about the Stats one, because I wasn't as comfortable with the material.

Well, the Stats test on Tuesday was a breeze. Not incredibly easy, but I have every reason to think I did well on it.

Then came the Chem test last night. The one I thought was going to be pretty easy.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

My expectations were not without reason. The teacher told us that this test probably wouldn't be that hard and that it would take about 30 minutes to complete.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

But let's just tell the story so you can see for yourselves how it all played out.

I got there early, ready to put the rest of the day behind me and do a little quick studying before class. Now, I knew that we weren't going to take the test first thing. She doesn't want us to get behind since we only meet once a week, so she told us that, like last time, she was going to do a little teaching before we actually started the test. Last time, she didn't do a lot of teaching, so I was expecting more of the same.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

She spent over an hour covering new material. New, hard material, I might add. Now, I don't question the propriety of teaching us new material on the same night as giving us a test. But I do think it might be better to not do the new material before the test, especially if it is complicated and going to take a while. It was hard to concentrate on what she was teaching us, what with worrying about the test and trying to make sure I remembered everything and all of that. If we came in and had a pre-set amount of time for the test and then came back afterwards and did a little bit of learning time, well, that would be much better. That's actually what my Stats class does, and it's worked out quite well so far.

Anyway, I was planning on not being there all that long. I was thinking that the test was going to be relatively short, as would the time spent teaching new material. I was thinking I'd be out of there by 8:00 at the latest. I didn't eat before the test because of this, and I was also planning on going to the gym for the first time in ages.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

After the teaching and the handing back of past assignments and a little break, the test got underway. Now, I'm a pretty good test taker, and I'm usually one of the first ones done. I will say that I've noticed since going back to school that this is not always the case, but I'm definitely not the one struggling to finish, either. I'd say I've been finishing my tests somewhere in the middle of the pack, time wise.

Now, bear in mind, she told us a couple of times that this test would take 30-45 minutes. Well, it took me over an hour, and when I left, half the class was still there, plugging away.

The test wasn't hard exactly. I mean, I knew how to do almost everything on it. There were a couple of questions I didn't know the answer to, one multiple choice question that didn't have a correct answer, another one that seemed to have two correct answers, and a short answer question that was worded in such a way to suggest one answer was correct when it wasn't, at least to my mind. Still, though, most of it was pretty straight-forward. I don't honestly think I did badly on the test.

It just sucked all the life out of me.

Chemistry Rocks

It's official: my latent love of math has surfaced.

I really love the satisfaction of being presented with a problem and then being able to solve it.

Needless to say, I'm feeling a lot better after my Chemistry class last night. I had been really scared and feeling pretty overwhelmed with it. But now I feel like I have a much better handle on things. I got my first assignment back, the graphing lab that she assigned us and told us that most of us would fail, and I ended up getting full credit, meaning I did both graphs correctly the first time. And I was able to master most of the conversions and equations last night in class with relatively little problem. Had some issues in lab, but I think that might have been more related to my partner - and the fact that we were all incredibly tired - than anything else. I managed to finish up my lab assignment before going to bed last night, which means this weekend all I'll have to focus on, school wise, is studying for my first test.

The Momentary Shift

Isn't it funny how one minute you can be humming along, doing fine or even great, and the next minute, because of a single, seemingly unimportant incident, you suddenly find yourself brought low again?

Maybe it's just me.

I was on my way to work this morning, feeling pretty good. It's Friday. It's payday. And I have a three day weekend ahead of me, which should make getting everything done that I need to get done a little bit easier.

I stopped at one of my normal four way stops, and as I started to pull through, I looked up in my rearview mirror. I saw a friend of mine in the car behind me, talking on her cell phone. At least I'm 99.99% sure it was her. She turned at the four way stop where I went straight, so I didn't get to investigate further.

Anyway, it made me a little sad because she didn't honk or wave or try to get my attention in any way.

Now, I have a fairly nondescript car, but it's recognizable, even more so from the back because of my car tag, which is not a vanity plate but is a specialty tag so it stands out. But maybe she was busy and distracted from being on her phone and looking for wherever it was she was going to really notice me. I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt on that.

Mainly, it made me sad because it reminded me of a similar instance about a year or so ago with this friend. I was driving back to work from lunch and she was right behind me and she honked and waved.

Things were very different in our relationship then, though.

I really like this friend of mine. She's warm and funny and an entirely beautiful person and she's very inspirational to me. I love her very much. But there's been a strain put on our relationship - mostly by forces out of my control, though I didn't do much to help matters, either - and now we're just not close anymore.

So I think that's the thing that made me the most sad this morning. It wasn't that she didn't see me or didn't wave. It's that looking up and seeing her and realizing she either hadn't seen me or hadn't wanted to see me brought up all of that other stuff that I haven't really thought about in a while.

I've been making a real effort to heal the relationship. And every time I think it's going somewhere, it ends up not going anywhere at all. And we're right back where we are now. Not close, not really talking, and just paying lip service to the whole thing.

I know she and her friendship are worth the effort, but I wonder at what point do you finally just give up? At what point do you cease to give the benefit of the doubt, and admit to yourself that despite what that person says to you, she really doesn't want to be your friend anymore? At what point do you just look like a fool for caring so much when the other person doesn't really care at all?

These are questions I've asked myself before in a different context. I didn't get any clear answers then, either. Life really does suck, sometimes, doesn't it?

Not Completely Out of Touch

You'll be happy to know that despite the fact that I've been avoiding political news like the plague lately, I still know a little.

Last night, I asked my dad who won the Michigan primaries. I had actually kind of forgotten about them in all the hubbub yesterday until I was at the gym. The television was on, and as this one guy showed up and decided to change the channel to one of the many ESPNs, he flipped past the news channels and I saw some coverage of it, but no results.

So later, I asked who won. My dad told me that Clinton had won the Democratic primary in a landslide. I felt proud to be able to tell him it was because no one else was really running in Michigan, aside from the fringe crazies. Then he noticed it.

I'm kind of bummed McCain didn't win the Republican primary. He didn't do too badly, though, I guess. I'm not committed to voting for him or anything - still don't have a clue on that front - but I just really don't like Romney very much.

I also tried to have an intelligent discussion with my dad about Giuliani's campaign strategy and his qualifications for the office of President, but he didn't seem too much interested - or else got frustrated because I didn't agree - and so the conversation ended before it really started. So I got frustrated and left.

I'm slowly coming to feel more aware of the process and what's going on. I guess that's a good thing.

The Bad Day That Wasn't

Today started out bad, but it ended up being a really good day!

I've recently started this running schedule that will get me to build up my mileage so that I'm running over 30 miles per week. I will then maintain this for a while, and eventually look for some longer races to enter, maybe starting with a half marathon. This is the plan, anyway.

Well, when I set this up, I wasn't really thinking about the fact that I would be going back to school. And I certainly had no idea what nights I'd end up having class. So, now that my classes are on Tuesday and Wednesdays, it's thrown a bit of a wrench into my running plans.

Today was supposed to be a running day. The original plan was to get up early and go this morning before work so that I would still be able to get the run in. I even put myself to bed early last night and managed to fall asleep pretty quickly. But of course, this morning I did not want to get up, so I change the alarm and went back to sleep.

So I was feeling pretty bad about myself and the fact that I didn't get my run in. I was bummed because I was going to get behind again in my schedule, which is pretty sad because I was just so excited to have gotten all of my runs in last week. So here I was, coming off of a high, falling off the wagon again.

I made it through the work day relatively okay. It was a ho hum day. I really feel like I've check out there, now that I'm not going to be there much longer. But I still want to give them my best, particularly for my boss, because I really like him and he's been really great to me. So I need to work on that. Anyway, after work I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off because I had a limited amount of time to run home, gather up my stuff, get something to eat and then head off to class.

Class was pretty good. I'm still a little nervous about it. We have our first test in two weeks, and since most of the stuff we're doing is introductory, I'm not really sure what we're going to be tested on. The class is Statistics, by the way. The prof is a little odd. I guess I'm just used to something a little different from my professors, and she's entirely too normal, in a sweet and kind of cheesy way. She also managed to give us a civics lesson in the middle of class, wherein she taught us (really, the rest of them, because I already knew) that the United States is not really a democracy, but a republic.

I was kind of worried about being behind the rest of the class. And I may be when it comes to math, but I was still the only on in the room who knew that the U.S. was a republic and what that meant, as well as the only one who knew what the estate tax was. So that made me feel a little bit better. Now, all I've got to do is actually be able to learn something about Statistics. So far, so good, though. I completely understood everything that was taught tonight very easily.

The best part, though, was that we got out of class early enough for me to get to the gym and put in my four miles on the treadmill before they closed. Woo hoo! I closed them down, too. I think I may have been the last one there who wasn't an employee. It was a pretty good run. I don't like running on the treadmill at all.

Anyway, tomorrow I get to do it all over again. Well, except for the running part. I'm not scheduled to run tomorrow. But I do have the second of my back to school classes tomorrow night: Chemistry.

Stay tuned.

Back to Form

I finally had a good run today.

I haven't blogged about my running in a while. The truth is, I've been in a little bit of a funk with it. I just haven't been as motivated to get out there and do it for a while. One of the reasons is that life has gotten in the way. Another is that one of the people who used to encourage me isn't around to do so anymore, and the group that was helping to encourage me isn't meeting because of the hectic holiday months.

I haven't been as consistent with my running as I should have been. I need a plan, and I didn't really have one, and then I got one but I'd lost my mojo, so I wasn't good about sticking to it. As a result, running got harder, which didn't really help with the whole motivation problem.

Today, I finally had a good run. It was still slow - I've slowed down a bit since hitting my slump - but I felt energized at the end, as if I could have kept going for another mile, which is great because I'm supposed to run 4 miles for the first time on Christmas morning. I am going to finally get back on track with my running schedule this week, which will hopefully carry me strong into the New Year!

Now I've just got to get back on a healthier eating plan...after the holidays.

A Good Morning

I've been in a major funk this Christmas, people.

I took the past two days off work, so this morning, my funk was multiplied by the fact that I had to get up and come to work. I was not in a good mood at all.

Only, when I got to work, I discovered my desk was full of presents!!

I was expecting one, since we had been doing secret santa at work, and Tuesday was the last day and up until Monday evening when I left work, I'd gotten exactly nothing from my secret santa. But I wasn't expecting a plethora of gifts, which is what I got.

Including this really cool one, which is a wire statue of the Chrysler Building. I'm going to attempt to load a photo of it, so hopefully it'll work. I took this with my phone, so the quality may not be all that great.

Here it is:



I really like it a lot. Every time I look at it, it brings a smile to my face.

Hope everyone has a brillant day!

Looking for Meaning in All the Wrong Places

I had a couple of interesting experiences this evening.

First of all, I was talking to a friend on the phone. We were joking around with one another, teasing. The subject was the fact that I'd hung out with a mutual friend of ours last night and neither of us thought to invite her. She basically said that I never thought to invite her anywhere, and I said that wasn't true, and she wanted to know when I thought of her, at which point I sighed and mumbled "Oh, my God," under my breath.

All of this was done in jest of course, her feigning neediness and me feigning frustration. But it taught me something about myself. I've had similar conversations, not in jest, where I was on the other, needy, end of the conversation. This put me on the other side for a moment, and it gave me a new sense of clarity and understanding about things.

Then, there is the keychain.

A while ago, a friend of mine gave me this keychain. She had found it somewhere or someone had given it to her when she was still single, and now that she had gotten married, she wanted me to have it. It says, "Why do I have to get married? I didn't do anything wrong." I immediately put this keychain on my chain of keychains and it's been there ever since. Incidentally, it stayed there for the whole duration of my last relationship, with the man I thought I was going to marry. In retrospect, this probably should have told me something.

Anyway, tonight, just after I got off the phone with my friend, I reached into my purse to find my keys. I knew they weren't in there because I'd remembered coming in and having them in my hand and setting them down somewhere, though I couldn't remember where. Still, habits are irresistible, so I was rustling through my purse, I heard a slight jingle, and soon my hand had clasped on what I thought were my keys. What I pulled out of the purse, though, was just that one keychain. Apparently, it had broken off of the ring.

It's funny because while this thing is on my keychain normally and I see it every day, I don't really pay any attention to it. This evening, my attention was drawn to it.

I know I shouldn't look for meaning in the meaningless, but I can't help but wonder.

Africa, My Friend the Ex, and the Story of a Blog

I got an email yesterday morning from my friend in Africa. He just left to go over there this week, and he said he made it there safely and so far he is loving it. I'm just so proud of him, and I know he's going to have an awesome time over there helping others and learning more about and being blessed himself in the process.

I ended up getting to take him to the airport on Monday and see him off. This was not the plan, but it meant a lot for me to be able to do that, since it makes me feel like I'm a part of what he's doing, however small my efforts might be. In truth, my heart wishes I was there with him, helping, too, and in doing all I can to support him, I kind of feel like I am.

Plus, it meant a lot to me as someone who loves and cares about him an awful lot, for him to have that as he set off on his journey. I know if I was going away for six weeks to a place where I'd have little contact with all that's familiar to me, even if I was incredibly excited about the opportunity, I'd still want those who are relatively close to me to be there to see me off. It may not have meant that much to him to have me there - everyone's different - but just in case it did, and I think it probably must have on some level, I was glad that I could fill that part.

The truth is, it's a difficult relationship. He's not just a friend. Well, he is just a friend, now, but he didn't used to be. He used to be my boyfriend. The serious relationship, love of my life, wanted to marry him boyfriend. The one who left me (twice) and broke my heart.

I don't think he'll be reading this while he's in Uganda, and I think that, by the time he gets back, this will be buried way down deep on my blog that even if he visits it upon his return, he won't read it. And, even if he does, I can't say I care because most, if not all, of it is stuff I'd say readily to his face in a second. None of it is bad or mean or critical.

I do not know quite how I got to this point. I still care about him tremendously, and, if I'm really honest with myself and with all of you, I still love him in the way I did before. It's different now, the feeling, because we aren't in a relationship anymore, and both of us are different people (to some degree) now than we were when we were together. So obviously it's not as strong or as intense or as painful. But I still feel it. I still get hurt by stupid little things he will say or do, that are most definitely not intended to slight me in the least, and I still get this feeling that I miss him, though it's less painful and more matter-of-fact, which I'm pretty sure is a sign of healing.

I do know that if it weren't for the grace of God, I wouldn't even be able to look at him, never mind speak to him. So I'm grateful for that, for as much as it isn't exactly how I wanted or imagined it would be, I am glad to have his presence in my life once again and to be able to call him my friend. I think I have been blessed by that in ways he will never even know.

I realize most of this probably sounds like insanity, or like heresy, a violation of the break-up rules. But I did the whole cutting him completely out of my life thing, and it didn't really work. This seems to be working better. To cut him out of my life would be impossible, for me, not only because of the connection, but because avoiding him would have meant avoiding others, all the people I've grown to look to for love and support and advice and comfort, not to mention the church where I feel most at home and most like I'd like to be involved. I tried this for a time, and things just got worse and worse for me, as the cycle of depression and pain carried me as low as I've ever been. Now, I'm doing better. And I'm able to have him in my life without being the center of his. It's probably not ideal, but it is what it is. Eventually, once he returns from Africa, I believe he will probably move away from here, in which case the matter will finally and roundly be settled. I will mourn and ultimately have no choice but to move on completely. Until then, this half-way bit will have to do, for nothing else has worked.

Probably none of you realize this, though maybe you could have guessed, but the entire reason I set up this new blog was to get away from him. It was during the period of time when we weren't speaking, though I had started going back to church and putting myself in situations where I might have to see him, though I never did. He was still with the girl he started seeing after me, though they have since split up. And I noticed he was visiting my blog quite a bit. And it started to stress me out, because he I was, finally starting to come out from the funk I'd been in virtually since he dumped me, finally starting to move past him.

It doesn't matter how I knew he was reading it. That's a long and complicated story. But I did. And he knew that I knew, that I could tell just how often he was reading it. It started to eat away at me more and more. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, because I'd have to think hard about everything I posted because I knew he'd be reading it. I even posted specific things because I knew he'd be reading it. It got to the point where I knew this had to stop, but I didn't want to give up blogging.

So I got the bright idea to set up this new blog, with a pseudonym and no link between it and my old blog. But apparently, I underestimated him and his interest in reading my blog, because he managed to find the new one not all that long after I'd set it up. (Not that this was a difficult or impossible process, but it was a fairly time consuming one.) At this point, I was angry. Probably as angry at him as I'd ever been. I knew he knew why I moved the blog, even though I didn't state it directly. He's a very smart person and he knows how I feel about him and how hard it has been for me to move on.

So I picked up the phone and called him to talk to him about it.

He was reluctant to talk to me about it at first. But I explained to him how I felt and didn't back down. I told him why it bothered me so much, that it wasn't fair to me for him to continue to read day to day, for him to have all this access into my life when I had none into his.

But after that initial unpleasantness, we were able to talk, just like two people without a whole lot of history and baggage. He was even kind of real with me, which was a real shocker, since his default position is normally to pretend like everything's great even if it isn't.

That was months ago. Now, we are where we are and what we are. We talk. We have some pretty good talks. But we don't really see much of each other, aside from at church. There are still frustrations, but I think I can call us friends, without any irony or qualification.

I'm very glad he is in Africa, though. I know the time away will help him figure out who he is and what he wants to do with the rest of his life, not to mention the blessing he will receive for going and doing something so selfless in helping others. I know as much as he manages to do for them over there by way of changing lives, his own life will be dramatically changed as well, perhaps to an even greater degree. That is my hope and my prayer for him now.

I Was a Runner for Halloween

I got out there for a run this evening. It was very nice. It had been a couple of days, so my legs were fresh and rested and ready to go. I managed to run 2.3 miles, and 35 minutes straight. So I'm improving, little by little.

I saw quite a few little trick-or-treaters on my route. The route I've been running lately takes me back on this more secluded street that doesn't get a lot of vehicular traffic, unless they happen to live on that street they probably aren't going to drive down it, so I guess a lot of parents took their kids there because it would be safer. I did an out and back and saw several groups on both my trips through that neighborhood.

When I got back to my house, I could hear kids screaming. As I rounded the corner, I noticed that they were all in front of the house next door. I went in quickly and locked the door, turning out the porch light and drawing the blinds.

Did I mention I'm not crazy about Halloween?

My car dressed up for Halloween this year, too. Yes, he went as not only an accident victim but a battery victim as well. When I was driving home from work, I got very nearly home and I realized that there was a funny sound coming from the back of the passenger side. I was close to home, so I drove the rest of the way.

When I got out of the car, I walked to the other side and discovered that my rear tire was completely flat. I was thinking it must have blown out around the time I noticed the strange sound, or else I must have run over something. It almost looks like someone slashed the tire, for there are three distinct punture type holes in the tire, yet I fail to see how I could have driven from work to where I first noticed something was wrong without realizing my tire was gone.

So I'm not sure what happened. Either way, it sucks, because I've got to drive around tomorrow with the spare on. Lucky for me I'd already scheduled a vacation day for Friday, so I can go get it fixed then.

That was my eventful evening. My plan of coming home and turning out all the lights and watching scary movies didn't work out as I'd hoped.

Oh, well. At least I got to run.

Stream of Consciousness Post: Nostalgia Edition

I had plans this evening.

(Very mysterious, I know, not to mention frustrating, that I'm not more specific than that. But I know it wouldn't really matter much whether I told you my plans were a dinner date with a friend or a Halloween Party. So I'll just leave it at plans. It really doesn't much impact the story one way or the other.)

These plans involved me going to a place I'd never been before, which meant I had to write down directions and then manage to follow them. I tend to think of myself as a person who is bad with directions, but I always manage to get where I'm going and follow them pretty well, so maybe not. I'm pretty bad at giving directions, but that's another story. Perhaps I think I'm bad with directions because it makes me nervous to drive someplace I've never been before, when you don't know the roads and you're trying to read street names and remember which way you just came from in case you got lost.

Anyway, so I was a little nervous this evening as I made my way to my plans.

I pulled my little sheet of directions out of my purse, to put them where I could reach them so I wouldn't have to dig for them later when I got closer to my destination, and I was reminded of that scene in Stepmom where Julia Roberts is supposed to pick up her stepson from a birthday party, and she's talking on the phone while she's trying to read the directions and the window is down and the paper blows out the window.

Now, I really kind of like that movie. Yes, it's sappy and sentimental, but I like it. I have good memories of seeing it. I saw it in the theaters, with my entire family. It was kind of a tradition, a while back, my mom and dad and my sister and me would all go see a movie on New Year's Eve. You see, we aren't really party people (well, except for my sister, but we were minors so she didn't have much of a choice), so instead of doing all of that stuff that people do on New Year's Eve, we'd just go out to dinner somplace and then go see a late movie, and get out just in time to say "Happy New Year," go home and go to bed.

It really was a lot of fun. And doubly so for me because, aside from not liking parties all that much, I really don't like New Year's. At all. It's probably the most depressing holiday of the year for me, aside from Valentine's Day. I don't like all the nostalgia and the looking back over the past year, and seeng what happened, and who died, and thinking about all the time passed, all the time wasted, all the time gone, never to return. You see how much things change, and how much they stay the same, and it just...well, it depresses me. It bothers me less now that I'm older. At the very least, I'm able to manage those feelings a little better. But when I was younger, it would seriously knock me down. So going to see a movie, where I could completely escape from the world of reality and forget that it was New Year's really helped.

Well, one year, we saw Stepmom. It didn't really help much with the depression thing, seeng as how it's something of a tearjerker. But it did get my mind off the New Year. I remember we were feeling particularly adverturous as a family that year, because when we got home from the movie - I think the New Year had already come or was just getting ready to - my parents dug out an old bottle of pink champagne that they had in the fridge. (Come to think of it, we probably weren't minors anymore at this point, so maybe my sister was along for the ride because she wanted to be.) It was really some pretty foul tasting stuff, but it's a nice memory, a nice story to look back on and make me smile.

Kind of funny that I just said I really don't like the whole New Year's nostalgia and how melancholy it makes me feel, and yet I've spent most of this post talking about the past and getting all nostalgic about it. I guess I'm just in a melancholy memory mood this evening.

I thought of that scene this evening when I was driving with my directions in hand - you'll be relieved to learn that my window was not down so I didn't lose them to physics and nature - and it struck me that it is really quite a ridiculous scene, if you think about it. After she loses the directions, she tells the person she's talking to - who has no idea where she's going - what has happened. And she can't call the person who gave them to her, because she doesn't want to look irresponsible. So the person she's talking to tells her that she should look for balloons, because that would signal a kids party.

All of that makes sense. Until you think about the fact that she's driving down what looks like a highway. And then the scene cuts to her driving around in some more suburban, residential looking area, where you see the balloons on the mailbox of a house and her pulling into the driveway. How she managed to get from the highway to the house without the directions is beyond me. It'd be one thing if she was already in the neighborhood and just needed to find the house she was looking for. Are we supposed to believe that there was a trail of balloons leading to the house? Or just that she remembered the basic directions from reading them, but couldn't remember the finer details?

Just a nagging little complaint about what is otherwise a movie I like, if not enjoy.

I made it to my plans safely, in one piece. And I didn't need balloons to get me there. I had my directions.

Because I Haven't Updated in a While

I know I haven't been blogging, but I promise I haven't had anything terribly different or interesting to blog about. Seriously, the most interesting thing I've done this week was get my flu shot.

I just got back from getting my flu shot, actually. One of the local hospitals comes and gives them for free here at work. Last year, my boss pretty much forced me to get one, because I was always sick. So this year, I figured I'd just go ahead and get it out of the way rather than wait for her to come and make me. Last year, I swear it didn't hurt at all, but this year it did a little.

As for running, I did end up running on Friday. The weather was beautiful, and I did two miles again. Only I was really worried I'd hurt myself. I felt this odd twinge in my calf muscle, up by where it meets the knee, when I was running and it felt different than anything I've felt before. It didn't hurt really badly or anything, so I kept going, which I probably shouldn't have done. The rest of the day and the next morning it was still bothering me a little bit.

I went for a slow, easy walk on Saturday, which was nice. I ended up going nearly 3 miles just around my neighborhood. The weather was beautiful again. On Sunday, I went for a run on the beach. I have no idea how far or how fast I went, but my leg wasn't really bothering me anymore, so that was nice. Yesterday, I took another walk and I think today I'm going to rest completely before attempting another neighborhood run tomorrow. Of course, tomorrow is Halloween, so it may not be the best day to run. Maybe I'll go to the track instead.

Other than that, I haven't been up to too much. Managing to stay pretty busy, but not doing anything exciting. At least not exciting enough to blog about.